10 Bizarre Amazon Products (Insert Tongue in Cheek, Then Review)

I blame Twitter. After being sent a link to an intriguing product in the depths of Amazon, I got sucked into a world of bizarro goods and their reviews.

Check out ten of the best with a taster of their reviews. And make sure you’ve got nothing planned for the next hour or so.

1. Grim Reaper on Skeleton Horseback Life-Size

I agree with the previous reviewer about this being a great addition to
any kid’s room, but did you parents know that this lovely figurine ALSO
readily converts into a nightlight?! 2 large Christmas bulbs fit
*perfectly* inside the reaper’s eye sockets (I recommend red), and the
string is easily hidden behind the cloak so you’re not left with any
unsightly cords.

All I can say is, this is NOT an appropriate item for a hospice … lesson learned–the hard way!

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

2. Uranium Ore

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you’re supposed to be able to
use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used
this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been
cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY
clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

Truth be told, I ran out of buttocks ointment. I was really chafed and
irritated after a long day of wearing my new dungarees. The high
humidity did not help. In my predicament I was willing to try anything
for relief. I swabbed a two finger amount of this Uranium Ore on the
effected area, and was pleasantly surprised of its instant relief
qualities. It glowed a little through my pants, but other than that, no
noticeable problems.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

3. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon

Not only does this thick Tuscan Whole Milk, 128 fl. oz, do a body good,
but also makes the most convincing milk “moustache” in the business,
with actual hair in it.

After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door,
his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole
Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he
would grip my waist – I was always cooking dinner – and press the cold
frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would
jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He
was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on
Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

4. Wedding Chapel – 10 x 18 With Wood Roof

Although I chose not to go for any of the extras – a mirror ball in the
vestry and a tiger skin-print font are too ‘modern’ for my conservative
tastes – I was still surprised that this item came with a complete
Hillbilly family inside.

Well, I for one, am dissapointed..my chapel arrived, but it was just a
bunch of wooden planks…abut 178 of them to be exact…I asked the UPS
guy to help me assemble it and he just stared at me. (I think he was a
bit pissed off having to haul so many peices of wood up to my door
step) Well, alas, now me and my fiance have to wait another 2 months
until I can put this damn thing together. She is getting pretty
impatient. If worse comes to worse I’ll just forgo the roof and we’ll
have an outdoor wedding.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

5. Wolf Urine Lure-32 oz

One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an
elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It
has an incredibly effervescent bead — the whole glass teams with
bubbles — culminating in a frothy layer at the head.

Today is Valentine’s Day and I hoped that a little splash of this would
drive my lady wild. But alas… I sleep alone again. Also I keep
hearing all this howling outside my bedroom.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

6. Deer Rear

This is one hot and steamy Deer ass. Dont be fooled by imitations. This
is the authentic ass of a deer. If you have ever found yourself out
hunting alone. You know that sometimes, when looking down the scope of
your winchester rifle, the ass of a deer looks mighty fine.

On a hunch, I bought one of these for my weird old Uncle Crotty, who
lives in my mom and pop’s attic. He’d been having problems and was
trying to bite through his chains, but Pop says that since he’s
received the Deer Rear, he’s happy again. Crotty has even stopped
leaving funny stains on the carpet and begun writing Muzak for the Otis
Elevator Company. Who could ask for more?

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

7. Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass

This is an awesome product. I have performed my first two bypasses
using this kit (on myself of course), and I have lost over 200 pounds.
There was some initial bleeding that occured, and I needed to be rushed
to the emergency room due to “severe internal hemorrhaging” but the
three week stay was well worth the cost I saved by doing my own bypass.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

8. How to Avoid Huge Ships (Paperback)

This book lacks criteria for discerning between huge ships and merely
really big ships. Some well-designed lists, charts or colorful pop-up
sections would have been nice for readers who were unsure what size of
ship they were avoiding.

This is a must-read for anyone who encounter huge ships daily and do
not want to get run over by them. I found this book extremely helpful.
To this day, I have never been run over by a single huge ship!!

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

9. WHAT ARE THESE STRAWBERRIES DOING ON MY NIPPLES?

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my
frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND
told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa!

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one
finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had
strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to
do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully
the author will pen a followup.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

10. Playmobil Security Check Point

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the
functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the
passenger’s shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly
fingernail file underneath the passenger’s scarf, and neither the
detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said
“that’s the worst security ever!”.

This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing
in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the
interrogation room.

Read all the reviews on Amazon…

That’s yer lot. Now put down the credit card and step away from the keyboard.